PGA Features

Help! There's a fan at the mike!

"Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Well done, mate!"

The exhortations of a lubricated lunatic behind the ropes, perhaps? Well, no, just Andrew Coltart becoming the TV equivalent of 'fans with typewriters', the famous accusation made of Scottish football reporters way back in the late 70's, when Ally's Army went on the march to Argentina on a wave of delirious super-optimism - and pretty soon had collective tails between legs after humiliating results against Iran and Peru.

The occasion was the Players' Championship at Sawgrass, the channel was Setanta, and the on-screen 'talent', as the Americans would say, comprised Mr Darcy himself (aka Dominik Holyer), Ken Brown, Ronan Rafferty, the aforementioned Scot, and the sparsely used 'lady with the roving mike', Sarah Stirk.

You often wonder under what circumstances certain people are lured into a portakabin, masquerading as a TV studio. In Rafferty and Brown's case their sporting pedigree has much to offer, the man from Newry, Co. Down having been Europe's No.1 in 1989, and Brown good enough to play in five Ryder Cups, beating Fuzzy Zoeller and Ray Floyd in singles matches, the latter, in 1983, watched by just a couple of dozen spectators, your correspondent among them.

Coltart does have one Ryder Cup to his name, and was lucky enough to draw Mr Woods in the 1999 singles at Brookline - after captain Mark James had shamefully omitted the Scot from the rest of the competition. I say lucky enough, because clearly nobody - not even the supportive citizens of his birthplace, Thornhill, near Dumfries - could have envisaged any result other than a Tiger victory. It was, but not a massacre, just a simple 3&2 job.

So - what could have drawn Setanta to home in on Andrew, currently playing the European Tour on a succession of sponsors' invites after comfortably losing his card last year? Could it simply have been a voice that, to southern ears, has that 007 timbre to it? But, as James might say, 'shurely shomething a bit more shubshtantial than that?'

The answer is, yes. He can talk with considerable expertise on the swing, on tactics, the psychology of the game, and much more besides, and ventilates a fine vocabulary. But someone on the production team will really have to take him aside and tell him a few basics of broadcasting.

Mainly, he ought to be reminded that 'in-jokes' or cliquey observations are lost on the great unwashed. There's no point telling us 'JP's got everything crossed at the moment' when Mr Darcy (or the producer in his earpiece) feels compelled to enlighten us 'JP is Els's caddie, of course', or that 'Grant Berry'll be getting a sore ear for that one', on the perceived notion that Pettersson's caddie has volunteered the wrong club at the treacherous short 17th, resulting in the ball bouncing just a couple of yards from the back of the green and arcing into the drink.

It was left to Brown to contribute the graphic analogy. "That's a big misjudgment. That's like missing your mouth with a fork."

We were also left with the feeling that Coltart was just a bit too 'pally' in every observation made about the players, mainly Garcia. OK, we know you and he were Brookline boys but a little less of the 'Good man, Sergio' and 'Get in the hole, mate' and more dispassionate analysis would resonate with your averagely intelligent golf viewer.

Brown set a fine example when Poulter played a less than perfect shot from a bunker, then did a Sherlock Holmes examination of the sand, frustration showing all over his face.

Quoth Brown "It's not the sand. You're at the Players' Championship, son!" And with five holes still to play on the final night, Brown came out with the transmission's most prophetic observation.

As we looked at Paul Goydos, all of three shots ahead, the bold Ken muttered "I'm almost feeling sorry for him. It's his to lose now."

Setanta were on a winner as Garcia, putting, for a change, like a demon, hauled in the hapless Californian and could even afford to take two putts from four feet on the first extra hole (the 17th) after Goydos had found the water.

That happened round about half-past midnight our time. And it was worth waiting up for - even if Mr Darcy had been harping on over all four days about the Players being the fifth major.

Dominik - it ain't; but it's a damned good tournament. By the way, you did OK in commentary instead of your usual presenting job. And very sensible of you to steer clear of any technical stuff. That's what Brownie, Raff and Colty are there for.